Recognizing Anxiety in Children

By Jennifer Simons, Esq.

 

Hearing the news that a close family is diagnosed with cancer or other serious illness can be devastating for any adult, but imagine hearing as a 13-year-old, that your mother has cancer. Not only did I learn this scary news at age 13, but I was also in the room as my mother’s doctor relayed to her that she had breast cancer. I will never forget that day as long as I live. My mother had recently had a biopsy performed for a small lump that she found. I remember hearing my parents talking about this behind closed doors, and then telling me. I was only 13 years old, but I knew what cancer meant, I immediately thought my mother was going to die. In the days that followed, my mother underwent a biopsy, and was initially told the biopsy looked benign, and we were all relieved, until a few days later when my mother’s surgeon appeared at our front door. It was a Sunday afternoon and my mother and I were in the living room watching television. The doctor came in and I sensed that my mother knew he was here to bring bad news. All I remember about the moments that followed is my mother screaming and crying and calling my father on the telephone. I too cried and thought it was the end of my world as I knew it. However, my mother did not die until many years later. She underwent a mastectomy, and she was cancer free for fifteen years. Unfortunately, the cancer did come back years later, and she passed away when I was twenty-eight years old.

 

Overall, I was very lucky, I did not lose my mother until I was an adult, and I had her in my life for fifteen more years. But I now realize as an adult, the lasting impact that her diagnosis had on me, not only as a child and teenager, but well into my adulthood, and still to this day, in my early fifties. Back when my mother was diagnosed, I do not think that there was as much attention on children in school who were dealing with anxiety, fear or grief, and how this can affect not only their schoolwork, but every aspect of their life. I know that my teachers were aware of my mother’s diagnosis. After her diagnosis, I developed a school phobia. I refused to go to school and cried every day when I had to leave my mother. My mother would drive me to school and explained to the teachers that I did not want to come to school. But I do not remember teachers or counselors ever talking with me about my fear of my mother’s disease. I silently worried constantly that my mother was going to die from the cancer or that it would come back. On the days that my mother let me stay home from school I remember just lying in bed or on the couch and crying. I now know that that this was not normal behavior for a child. I needed help but I did not know how to ask for it. And my parents were of course dealing with my mother’s illness, and I don’t think they realized the deep affect it had on me.

 

My purpose in writing this article is to increase awareness of children who are dealing with a parent’s illness or even death, and to make sure that they get the appropriate counseling and help. Talk to their teachers, get professional help both at the school level and outside of school. I know that my grades also suffered during that time. Children dealing with anxiety surrounding a parent or close family member’s disease or death may appear ok on the outside, to hide their true feelings and make it appear to others (and to themselves) that everything is normal and fine. They may not ask for help in dealing with their fears. But most children dealing with issues of this proportion are not fine and need help. Perhaps if I had gotten help and counseling in dealing with my anxiety as a child, it would not have had such a lasting impression on me as an adult. On the outside I appear to have turned out just fine despite my mother’s diagnosis when I was 13. I am an attorney, I am independent, own my own home, have many friends, and seem to have successfully dealt with that terrible time in my life when I was a child. But inside, I have extreme anxiety and fear of cancer that goes beyond normal fear that most people have of cancer. Up until last year, when I finally gained enough courage to get a screening mammogram (after not getting one for over 10 years due to my anxiety and fear), the fear of breast cancer permeated my thoughts almost daily. I still live with extreme anxiety, but I am tackling it head on now and facing my fear and anxiety. When I began writing this article a few weeks ago I was anxiously awaiting results of a recent MRI screening for breast cancer, due to being considered high risk. Thankfully the results were normal, and I was able to breathe again. As relieved as I was, it also reminded me that every year I go through these screenings, I will once again be brought back to that awful Sunday that has stayed with me forever, and I know the anxiety is still there.

 

Learning that a parent has a serious illness, or dealing with the death of a parent, can be a traumatic experience for a child. However, there are trained professionals, such as therapists, who have expertise in dealing with anxiety and grief, and who can help children deal with their emotions. A research-based approach of cognitive behavioral therapy has been shown to be very effective in addressing anxiety. But children may not ask for help, and it is important for adults to recognize that children going through this type of situation may need professional help even if they appear to be just fine.